Question:

My grandson is 3 years old and does not know how to release his frustrations when he does not get his way. He throws things and now hits and bites. Time outs does not work ( max. 1 minute per years of age). Now he has to be restrained in order for him to stay in time out. When restrained he kicks, hits and bites. We have removed him from the scene: We have tried talking to him... and now we are at wits end. Can you please advise.

B. Karafky

Answer:

Dear Grandma B,

Thanks for your question, one that I think has wide applications. “Time-out” has become a national panacea for many behavior problems, at home and at school. Like any solution, it cannot fix all problems. Many behaviorists, and I am one, would argue that it doesn’t really solve any problems at all, for the following reasons:

• The child being timed-out feels punished; the child does not necessarily understand why and consequently feels more frustrated or angry.
• When a bigger person imposes a punishment on a less powerful person, the weaker one learns that the bigger/stronger prevail. That isn’t the lesson you are trying to teach.
• Time-out doesn’t teach the child what he should do when he acts on an emotion in a socially unacceptable way.

In the case of a three year old, I would add the following problems to time-out:

• He may not yet have an understanding of cause-effect deep enough to link his behavior to the consequence.
• The normal development of impulse control makes it hard for even the most mature three year old to stop himself. Once into the cycle (of hitting, biting) he doesn’t even know how to get out of it.

In a study of two-, three- and four-year-olds in child care centers, children were interviewed about their views of school, remembrance of causes of time out, and feelings and perceptions of being in time out. When asked how they felt about being in time out, children reported negative feelings of sadness and fear, as well as feeling alone, disliked by the teacher, and ignored by peers. Fewer than half of the children could accurately recall why they had been placed in time out, suggesting that children were not contemplating their misbehavior, guilt, or alternative behaviors - all of which time out is meant to provoke.

From "Young Children's Perceptions of Time Out," C.A. Readdick and P.L. Chapman, Journal of Research in Childhood Education, Volume 15, Number 1, Fall/Winter 2000.http://factsinaction.org/classroom/cljun01.htm

The use of restraint exacerbates all the problems mentioned above and should never be used unless the child or another person is liable to be injured. Even in this case, needing to use restraint is a good indicator that things have to be handled differently so that the child does not get to this point again. Not only will this method become ineffective as soon as the child is big enough so that he cannot be restrained, it is also a scary place for the child himself to get to. Self-management is one of, if not the most, important tasks that the young child must begin to master.

So, what should you do instead?

• The first step in changing a behavior is to figure out what the person is trying to say. It sounds like you have a good idea why your grandson is throwing things, kicking and biting. You think he is frustrated. Children his age often are. They can’t use language well enough to express frustration or to negotiate for a different outcome (“I am not yet ready to stop playing with my trains, Grandmother. Perhaps if you could let me have ten more minutes, I would be willing to stop then.”!!).

• Is there something else going on at home or at preschool that is causing him stress? If so, recognizing this influence may be useful in understanding the behavior and perhaps in moderating its effect.

• Now figure out when this problem occurs. It is more likely to happen when your grandson is tired, hungry, bored? If so, can you change the environment before this takes place? If he has difficulty with transitions in general, can you prepare him for them by giving him advance notice and a visual reminder of time passing? For example, “In five minutes, we need to clean up for supper. I will set the timer and put it here where you can see it so you will be ready”). In other words, what actions can take you that might mitigate his need to behave in this way but are reasonable changes to make?

• What could he learn to do instead to express his frustration? Could you model acceptable language to use, perhaps augmented with pounding his fist on the floor? While this may not be the final way you want him to express frustration, for now, it is better than behaviors that hurt others.

• Another new skill he could learn is Time Away. While Time Out is a consequence imposed by an authority figure, Time Away is an option the child uses to remove himself from circumstances that have become overwhelming and negative. You might set up a big comfy pillow with a favorite book or stuffed animal off to a corner of the room and teach your grandson to choose to go take care of himself there when he is feeling upset. Practice this with him when he is doing fine (“When you feel upset, you can go here to your comfy corner and just get feeing better and quiet inside. Then when you are ready, you can come back to what you were doing.”). At first, when he is starting to lose control, you may entice him there with your presence but ultimately you want him to be in control of taking care of himself.

• Reinforce him every time you see him to exert control over himself in circumstances where he might have lost it. Praise him and tell him exactly what he did (“You were upset that you had to put your Leggos away but you used words to tell me [or you went to your comfy corner]. I’m so proud of you, and I bet you are proud of yourself.” You might want to accompany this with some tangible reinforcer such as a hug, a cookie, a sticker, and a marble in a small jar that, when filled, will result in a bigger prize.

One last comment: the family members of children who bite are often embarrassed and feel there is something very wrong with their child. In fact, biting in preschoolers is not unusual.

Resources: Countless sources support the use of Time-Out. Below are some views that are closer to mine!
http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/Time_Out_for_Children.html

http://www.parentstoolshop.com/HTML/tips15.htm

http://parentstoolkit.squarespace.com/timeouts-invaluable-for-contro/

There are countless books on parenting. I would start with Jane Nelson’s books and or CDs on positive discipline with young children:

http://empoweringpeople.com/

Good luck. Thanks for writing.

Dru