Question:

My 3 year old son has an extremely aggressive attitude towards other children and teachers. He is biting other students sometimes for seemingly no reason at all and fighting each and everyday. He understands completely that he is hurting the other students, but displays no emotion when confronted. He refuses to obey school rules and constantly ignores the teachers. He refuses to take naps during nap time, and will scream at the top of his lungs so that no one can take a nap. He constantly runs out of the classroom and away from the group. He doesn’t know how to channel his aggression in a non-violent way, when he is frustrated or angry he bites, screams and hits. I have taken him to a therapist, but he doesn’t display this behavior because there aren’t any other children around. At home he is never aggressive towards me, instead when I discipline him he will take it out on his older sister, spiting on her, biting her, and hitting her. He has been kicked out of school 3 times. He has been tested for ADHD. What should I do? Do you know of any anger management facilities for a 3 year old in Southern California?

Thanks

TANESHA B.

Answer:

Hello Tanesha,

You’ve got your hands full for sure!. I know you understand the limitations of this format to address your son’s behavior but I want to offer a few ideas.

1. When a child has a number of troubling behaviors, the people around him are overwhelmed. That’s when the child gets named (e.g., “aggressive”) and blamed (“he understands completely”). Everyone does this because the situation seems hopeless. It isn’t! He’s still very young and lots of things can be done. It is most helpful to focus on one, tops two, behaviors at a time. That’s hard because it means other problem behaviors are pretty much ignored while the worst ones are worked on. In your son’s case, hurting others would be where I would start.
   
2. It may look to another person that a child is doing something for no reason at all, but all behavior has a purpose. There are two major purposes for behavior: to get something, like attention, or to protest or reject something, like demands to do something. Figuring out what it is that your son is getting out of this behavior is necessary in order to teach him a more acceptable way to get his needs met.
   
3. I think you are attributing to him a level of understanding, and therefore, intent, that he doesn’t have. In your mind, he is having a dialogue like this: “I think I’m going to scream during nap today. That will really get to my teacher and all the kids.” Instead, I would wonder what is going on at nap time that he is reacting to. Is he physically uncomfortable? Is he too old to sleep in the daytime and has too much energy to have to lie down? Is he scared, bored, anxious? It’s always good to describe the behavior without putting judgments on it.
   
4. I think you really are right on the money when you say: “He doesn’t know how to channel his aggression in a non-violent way, when he is frustrated or angry he bites, screams and hits.” That implies a skill deficit – he hasn’t yet learned to do something. From there, you can begin to figure out how he can learn to express his frustration in an acceptable manner.
   
5. Have you considered asking your local school district for assistance? At three, he is eligible for an evaluation that might shed some light on what might be causing him to be explosive. They can look at his language development to see how well he can express his needs. If he qualifies for some assistance, you will have the resources of a team to help you.
   
6. I don’t know what the outcome was for the ADHD diagnosis but an accurate diagnosis of ADHD for a three year old is very very hard, and many educators and physicians do not support medication to target ADHD symptoms in a child so young. See our AskASpecialist on ADHD for lots of information on this topic, including medication and the components of a reliable diagnosis.
   
7. New research indicates that simple techniques that give structure to a preschooler’s day offer a better alternative to medication. Techniques include consistent rules and routines, preparing the child for transitions with a concrete representation (like a kitchen timer), repeated practice of expected behaviors, channeling extra energy to avert misbehavior, and heaps of praise for desired behavior. (“Drug-free therapy shows promise in youngest children with ADHD” Lauran Neergaard, Associated Press Sept. 4, 2007).
   
8. As unhappy as he makes those around him, he is also unhappy and probably feels anxious that the adults are not in control. Most likely, he was born with a temperament that makes him highly reactive to the outside world. He is not to blame and neither are you! Some books, which are readily available, that might give you some insights and some suggestions of what you can do at home are:

• The Explosive Child by Ross Greene
• The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki
• Dysinhibition Syndrome by Rose Wood
• The Challenging Child by Stanley Greenspan

Take heart! Things will get better.

Thanks for writing.

Dru