These two questions seem similar:

Question 1:

Dear Dru,

I have a 7 year old son who seems like a pretty good kid most of the time. He has friends, does well with adults, likes school and is happy. He is an only child as well.

My problem is that he has real trouble playing with other kids unless it is one on one.

At a birthday party recently he grabbed something out of another child's hand, said he was better then they were at this or that, and was very loud. He also likes to tell or show everyone how to do things and gets mad if they want to do it themselves. A couple of his friends don't like playing with him anymore as he has become bossy and always wants to do what he wants to do (only child syndrome?). I am afraid that this will only continue to get worse. I think society will deal with this it's own way, but I am trying to prevent that cruelty from happening.

Since this behavior seems to happen most often when I am not there, is there anything you can recommend I can do at home to nip this situation in the bud?

This has been going on for a while but has gotten especially worse this year. Thank you for whatever help you can offer, regards, Victoria Norton

Vicki

Question 2

Dear Dr. Dru,

My 7yr old grandson lives with my husband and me. He is very bright, has many friends, is quite out going, has very good manners and is very loving. When he was much younger he was very strong willed and at times very difficult but he seems to have passed through those phases. The problem now is that although he gets very high marks in his academic work in the first grade, he gets minuses in self control. His teacher explains that he does not sit in circle without talking or touching whomever is sitting next to him and then he is sent to his seat until he thinks he can return and behave correctly, however he then starts the behavior all over again. He rarely sees his father who lives in another state, although he does talk to him almost every night (briefly because my grandson does not like talking over the telephone very long.) His mother, our daughter, lives with us but is gone most of the time, but also talks with him most nights she is not here, but not always. My husband and I worry about what he thinks of our situation, and we worry that this has some bearing on his classroom and P.E. behavior. We take him everywhere, such as to his Tae Kwon Do lessons and to soccer practice and his games. We do school activities with him and give him birthday parties. He loves us very much and of course we love him with all our hearts but we also understand that we cannot take the place of his parents. His classmates seem to like him very much, he is popular and makes them laugh. He is a very handsome boy and the girls are already paying attention to him. He seems to like all of his classmates, of course there is a couple that he isn't as fond of but doesn't say that much about them. Last weekend at his birthday party he and a couple of boys were so full of themselves that he just didn't seem to be able to calm down and we think we were seeing some of what his teacher was trying to tell us about. Even after we cautioned him several times he would go right back to being very loud and boisterous and losing his good manners. Please don't think we are prudish, we are not. I am a school teacher, have taught second and fourth grades, so I am aware of different behaviors and some of the reasons for them. At this point we are hoping to help our grandson control himself in the classroom as well as other places, we just want to know if we should seek counseling for him and/or ourselves. We want his world to be as normal as possible.

Thank you, Concerned Grandparents

Answer:

Dear Vicki and Concerned Grandparents,

First of all, I commend you both for your commitment and I want to reassure you that in no way does your son or grandson’s behavior sound like it is because his home life is not exactly what we were brought up to believe was “normal”. It sounds as though they are getting what every child needs: love, security, good models.

Children mature in different areas at different times. Not all growth is even, so while they may be at grade level or better in academic areas, these boys may have slower maturation in self-management. Or, they may have a temperament that is very excitable when other children are around.

It’s so hard to know from letters whether your children are just boisterous boys with a little too much zest or whether either has a problem that is a little more serious. For now, I would do some rehearsal before play or party situations:

• Remind them of the “rules” appropriate for the setting, like use your “inside voice”, wait your turn, hands to yourself. Ask them to repeat them.
• Ask them to think about what they will do if… (for example, “If you want to see Jose’s game boy, what do you do?” “And if he says no, what do you do?”)
• Look for times when you can “teach” empathy. When there is a situation where someone gets his feelings hurt or someone says something rude, ask your son or grandson “How do you think that made Troy feel?” When you watch TV show or movies or read books together, look for moments like these.

As far as the behaviors at Circle, perhaps the teacher can make some minor changes. Sending him back to his seat to magically develop better behavior in Circle is surely not working! Suggest that he be allowed to try a fidget toy. See what the teacher’s behavior system is and see if your grandson can earn some reinforcement within that system for appropriate Circle behavior. Does she teach, model, and cue for expected Circle behaviors? Does she “catch him being good” i.e., praise him when he is not touching a neighbor?

At this time, neither boy seems outside normal variations in maturity. Should the behavior of either child become more serious, talk to the teachers about the availability of social skills training at school.

Your no-longer-lonely behavior specialist thanks you all for your letters and says, “Keep writing!”

Best,

Dru