Question:

My problem is this, my son lives out of state so the only visits I have with him are during summer usually. He is now 9 and has been flying with his mother since he has been 4 regularly. I now want him to fly on his own with flight attendant supervision. (requirement for his age) She says no and uses the excuse that he has ADHD and can show lack of control and concentration. Am I missing something here? Please help me understand!

Thank You,

Rick 

Answer:

Summer vacations are often a challenge for children with AD/HD. Although I won’t be able to solve your differences with your son’s mother, perhaps shedding some light on the implications of AD/HD for your son’s development will help you make a decision.

Your expectations for your nine-year-old to fly alone with supervision, are certainly reasonable for his age. However, though I do not know your son personally and so cannot say if this is true for him, most children who have AD/HD has a significant lag in their social development. Research indicates that social development in children with AD/HD is delayed by at least one-third of the child’s age. Thus the typical 6-year-old with AD/HD relates like a 4-year-old, the 12-year-old relates like an 8-year-old, and the 15-year-old relates like a 10-year-old. Russell Barkley, a well-known expert, likes to call this phenomena “the four year rule.” Of course, children with AD/HD have a range of symptoms from mild to severe, but if your son is nine years old, you can expect his behavior and social judgement to be more typical of a 5 to 6- year-old.

The hallmark of the behavior of children with AD/HD is inconsistency. A child with this disorder can often engage attentively in high interest activities such as playing video games or sports activities for hours. They also do well in new and novel situations. Children with AD/HD are notorious for difficulty when they are required to sit still for long periods of time as in a classroom setting, or on an airplane. Consider how long your son will be required to sit on the plane. Normal children are able to sit quietly about 10 minutes of time per grade level. A nine-year-old, fourth grader who is functioning at the first grade level would be expected to sit quietly for about 10 minutes.

Whatever you decide in terms of supervision for your son, his mother should consider sending him with plenty to do on the flight. She should involve him in packing an “activity pack” that includes a few snacks and many light-weight but high interest, novel activities. She may want to invest in some new, but inexpensive, travel toys. If she can package them in a special way and the novelty will keep his interest. Your son may enjoy listening to quiet music on a head set to relax. Consider providing him with a scrapbook for him to collect pictures, mementoes, and write daily events.

To prepare him for the trip, be sure to review, or have his mother review, the flight routine before he leaves. This could be in the form of a “social story” that you write about his trip. Social Stories were originally developed by Carol Gray for children with autism, but have been used successfully with children who have other social learning challenges. The story should be worded in an affirming, positive way. The goal of a social story is not to change your son’s behavior, but to refine his understanding of the situation. Have him take the story with him on the plane to review throughout the flight. Here is an example:

• In the summer, I fly on an airplane to visit my dad.
• I find my seat, sit down quietly and put on my seat belt.
• When the plane takes off, I can chew some gum.
• I wait until the light comes on before I take off my seat belt. If the captain announced it, I put my seatbelt back on.
• I sit quietly and play with my toys. Sitting quietly helps other people rest and enjoy the flight.
• I stay in my seat unless I have to use the restroom.
• If I need help, I can push the button over the seat and the attendant will come.

Social Stories should follow a specific format. For more information about developing social stories, visit Carol Gray’s website at www.thegraycenter.org

Traveling to visit separated parents is a stressful time for any child and the child with AD/HD may act out more that she or he would normally. Think about having him carry pictures of both you and his mother to help with the emotional transition. Children with AD/HD feel more secure with structure and routine. To minimize stress, be sure to pick him up promptly at the airport and follow a regular routine when you take him home. Also, be sure he gets plenty of sleep both before and after the trip. Help him to organize his suitcase and carry-on so he can find things he wants.

Planning ahead will help to minimize stress for both you and your son. Remember to relax and have fun.